Lord of Chaol Ghleann

I always said it would happen. Even when I was a young child I insisted I’d make it to be one of the landed aristocracy, a philosopher king with his own green and pleasant land. My mother says I was actually born wearing a crown, which must have really hurt her vagina. But the point is, it was absolutely no surprise to me when, on the 28th December 2013, I received the Deed of Entitlement to Dunans Castle in the Scottish Highlands. I look forward to diligently serving my people, receiving royalty, and getting shit-loads of puss.

Alright, I bought it on Groupon for about twelve quid. Alright, I only own a square foot of the land around Dunans Castle. But the fact still remains that I am Lord of Chaol Ghleann and legally entitled to use my new title. In fact, this morning I rang up Orange and got them to change the name on my bills to Lord Dickins. 

I have been cordially invited to visit Dunans Castle “at your earliest convenience”. So it looks like they’re pretty excited to have me on board. And I will certainly be paying them a visit soon, but probably when the weather gets, well, a bit less Scottish. They don’t know what they have got themselves in for with me. I am, as the Scots say, “a wee prick”. And I've already written them this e-mail:

Dear Mr Dixon-Spain.

I am absolutely delighted to be Laird of Chaol Ghleann, it is a tremendous honour and privilege for you to have me. I notice that I own around a square foot of the land in the estate. My research suggests that this amounts to a 12 inch by 12 inch square of land. And all that for 12 quid! That would cost me two hundred grand in London. Anyway, here’s the thing: would it be OK if I was buried in your grounds? I am not planning to die soon, this is not a suicide note, I would just like to make plans now for my own piece of mind. Whilst a square foot is not a huge amount of land, it would probably be sufficient if:

A)     I was buried upright (like a statue).

B)      I went on a diet.

So what do you think? Dunans Castle has always been close to my heart since I bought the title last week, and it would mean a lot to me to rest for eternity amongst your glorious grounds. I won’t be any bother, I certainly wouldn’t haunt you. In fact, I think I would actually be quite a helpful ghost, keeping an eye out for poachers and the like.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours

John Barnes

PS My favourite film is Braveheart.

You’ll note that the e-mail comes not from me, but from John Barnes. I have to use an alias in these acts of mischief so as to not get rumbled, so naturally I chose the name of former Liverpool winger/rapper John Barnes. Anyway: Mr Dixon Spain replied!

I’m glad that the idea of strangers being buried, in what is essentially his garden, is one that he “likes immensely”. It does beg the question: what other weird shit does he like immensely? Perhaps I should ask if he would mind if I used the grounds of Dunans Castle as a dogging site? 

All Lords need their own Coat of Arms. Here is the official Coat of Arms of Dunans Castle:

And here is my own personal Coat of Arms:

That is definitely the worst joke you’ll see this year. And I wrote this on January 8th.

Now, one of the reasons I have purchased my title is that I expect it to open lots of doors for me. As a nobleman I deserve more perks than you,  the average berk. So I have applied for a Nandos Black Card, which when I receive it, will entitle me to infinite free Nandos for the rest of my life.

I imagine you’re getting pretty jealous at this stage, and so you should. But it’s not all sunshine and rainbows being a Lord, it comes with its own unique pressures. For example, since I have become a Lord I have felt the cold winds of other people’s envy blowing right into my regal face. But I’m a big boy, I can cope with that. However, what really hurts is when people think I’m lying about being a Lord.  For example, I went to a house party on New Year’s Eve and met a girl called Georgia*. I was drunk. I told her almost immediately I was a Lord, and we chatted about this for a while.

"Where's your manor?"

"What's it like being a Lord?"

"Have you seen Lord of the Rings?"

 It went pretty well thanks for asking. She gave me her number (obviously), before leaving the party. I texted her the next day arranging a date, and all was fine. Now, three days a go she texted me this message:

“Are you definitely a Lord? My friends aren’t sure…x”

To which I replied:

“Am deffo a Lord. Do you like Thai food?x”

No reply.

Then, last night, she texted me this:

“Hey, I’ve been having a think, and I’ve got feelings for someone else. Really sorry to mess you around. X”

A likely story: she just doesn't believe I’m a Lord. Well, as mummy says: “haters gonna hate”, so I think I’ll join Sugar Daddy Dating instead. I’m bound to find a more classy girl on there.

*Georgia is obviously a fake name. I would never reveal the girl's real name, I’m not an arsehole. (Your secret is safe with me Lucy!)

UPDATE ON JAN 10TH

Nandos replied!

Hi Lord Max,

Thanks for taking time out of your undoubtedly busy schedule to contact us.

I'm sure you can appreciate when I say to you that I have absolutely no control over who gets a Nando's Black Card and if I did I would do my at most best to try and get you one.

Nevertheless it’s brilliant to see how passionate you are about Nando’s. I do enjoy a decent PERi-PERi meal myself if I must add.

Kindest regards,

Idris Allan

Customer Experience

Such a shame! But at least it was brilliant for Idris to see how passionate I am about Nandos, I bet I made her day. In fact, when people ask me at job interviews or on dates what I am really passionate about the first thing that comes to mind is: NANDOS. It's all I think about: fromt he moment I get up, to the moment I go to sleep. Nandos. Nandos. Nandos.